After so much thought about doing this, over a years worth.

And after feeling over and over that we should do this.

And after being afraid to even talk to Chad about the feelings that we should REALLY do this

(only fear of sounding silly or lame)

And after him completely supporting my feelings and us getting excited about it.

After really praying and pondering and thinking and contemplating and trying my best to separate my own feelings from that of the Spirit,

We started doing our daily vlogs.

And it has been a crazy pendulum of emotions ever since my brithday (the day we started.)

One second I'm excited and feel good about it.

I feel brave and feel like this is what Heavenly Father wants us to do.

And the next moment I'm feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, so uncertain and unsure of myself and my ability to understand the Spirit, and wondering "Why are we doing this?"

Ahh!

My heart is all over the place.

My mind is all over the place.

My house is crazy messy.

And suddenly we are very, very busy.

And I'm asking myself, is this worth it?

Is this really what we're supposed to be doing, or is this something I just wanted to do.

Something I imagined up?

My mind is constantly racing through thoughts about the videos.

And it's taking a lot of effort to keep myself centered and balanced; making sure I'm putting first things first; my Heavenly Father, my Savior, making time for them in my life, making time to do Their work in my life.

My kids (definitely trying to make sure that I am giving them all the attention they deserve, that they don't get lost in this) and my Chad.

I felt much more peaceful and sure before I started.

But now that I'm in the middle, realizing all the hard work and effort this really does require

I can feel myself start to doubt and fear, and it feels terrible.

But three separate times since we've begun this journey I have been reassured in very specific ways.

One, Kyrie's letter.

Two, Natalie Norton's answer to a question.

And Three, just barely as I listened to a talk by Elder Holland called However Long and Hard the Road.

Each of these reassurances were unexpected.

But each were exactly what I needed to hear.

And I feel like this is going to be rough.

I think one of my greatest challenges is self doubt and fear.

The feelings those things bring are overwhelming to me and very much cloud the peace and assurance that I have previously felt towards a situation.

This was why my engagement to Chad was so hard for me.

In fact, this is probably why falling in love with him was so hard for me.

These are the feelings I have felt so incredibly intensely about the foresight into my life's mission I felt at Snow College.

The fear and self doubt can honestly be almost debilitating.

I've noticed though, that those feelings are the strongest when I am working towards something that I feel Heavenly Father really wants me to do; something that feels paramount to my being here on this earth.

And when I write that out it become more clear that it is most likely the advesary working against me fulfilling something I said I would do for Heavenly Father; part of my work for Him.

But when I'm in the midst of the emotions and the thoughts it feels much more clouded and uncertain, leaving me wondering if it's the Spirit telling me to stop; don't proceed.

But today as I listened to Elder Holland's talk I felt some of his words were speaking right to my heart; right to those fear and those doubts, reassuring me again that though I am small I am here to do BIG things.

That God can move mountain, even through little old me.

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye

are laying the foundation of a great work. And out

of small things proceedeth that which is great.

Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing

mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat

the good of the land of Zion in these last days.

[d&c 64:33–34]

i am asking you this morning not to give

up “for ye are laying the foundation of a great

work.” that “great work” is you—your life,

your future, the very fulfillment of your

dreams. that “great work” is what, with effort

and patience and God’s help, you can become.

When days are difficult or problems seem

unending, i plead with you to stay in the harness

and keep pulling. you are entitled to “eat

the good of the land of Zion in these last days,”

but it will require your heart and a willing

mind. it will require that you stay at your

post and keep trying."

-Elder Holland

Maybe this is in fact EXACTLY what we are supposed to be doing.

Though it feels like we're not making a difference, or I clearly see or understand what it is all for yet.

But maybe, just maybe, this really is our call right now.

We are so small.

But our hearts are BIG.

And our desires are BIG.

Our dreams are BIG.

We want so much to make a BIG difference in this life, in our families lives, in our friends lives.

We want to bring happiness and joy and peace and truth to as many as we can reach.

We want to love as far and wide and as deep as we can.

I just pray that Heavenly Father will take this little family of ours and make us so much more than we could on our own.

That He will take us in His hands and helps us to accomplish exactly what He sent us to.

I pray with all my heart that we can start really making a meaningful impact.

That we can share our hearts and faith and truths and love.

I pray that I can be strong and brave enough to fulfill whatever it is He sent me here to do.

I pray for strength beyond my own and courage overflowing.

I've thought about it a lot lately.

This year my one goal is to 'BE BRAVE'.

Be brave is every aspect of my life.

The kind of BRAVE that encompasses huge amounts of faith and love and Spirit and truth.

The kind of BRAVE that Christ has shown me to be.

Kyrie's letter:

Hey Van! 
Love your videos! They are so cute!! You guys are so fun and so happy and your kids are adorable!  I think its a pretty fun idea and it will be great to be able to look back at them later on....you know I also can't help but think what a wonderful example you and chad and your family are to the rest of our family--including myself. I remember having a conversation with you, I think it was before my mission, about how you knew that you were supposed to serve a full time mission. You knew because of things that were said in your patriarchal blessing. I think I asked you something like how you made the decision to marry Chad instead of going on a mission, and you said that you remembered having the impression that it was essentially the same thing...that by marrying Chad it was the same as serving your mission, or you would be fulfilling your mission to serve the Lord. I have thought about that often, and about what a wonderful missionary you have been for our family. Just by being you and the wonderful person that you are, you are showing a living example of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Chad is pretty awesome too, but I believe a large part of why he is who he is, is because of you...and the two of you together are a powerful and wonderful force for good  I think these videos are just another way to share what it means to be happy and be an example of the Savior and that living His Gospel is what leads to true happiness. It makes me sad that some of our family have forgotten, or never really came to understand the doctrine of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It makes me sad that they don't understand the purposed of the organization of the restored Church of Jesus Christ....but one thing I learned on my mission is that the Lord's work is eternal. Some day they will understand, in this life or the next, and I think that you, your happiness, your love for the Lord, and your love for others will have a big part to play in why they will finally recognize and accept the truth. Thanks for all you do for our family and for me! I love you and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas season!!! I hope you know how wonderful you are and how much you do for others! I hope you know how much the Lord loves you and is grateful for the good you do!!!
Take care Van!!!
Love Kyrie
ps....you can tell Chad that mothers are powerful...haha!! 

Natalie Norton's answers:

I am a mom of 3 kids under 6. How do I balance them and my business? I'm open to anything you suggest! Even a really honest - "ya know what, you should just take the next few years off and enjoy your kids. Come back once they're in school." Thanks!

Sweet girl! I am so proud of you for your soul searching and the depth of your desire to do what is best with your life. You are a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother because of it.

Now, it's not going to surprise you to hear me say that you are the only one who can decide what you should do: quit or stick with it. I can tell you ways to manage your time should you decide to stay in the game, but I cannot tell you what decision you should make.

Rather than discussing ways to make things work should you decide to stay in the game, I want to give you some tools to help you decide which direction you want to go. Above and beyond anything else, you need to have certainty in your decision (whatever that may be). That certainty will bless you more than anything else ever could moving forward, because when the going gets rough, you will be free from doubt or fear and will be able to move forward in the faith that you are on the right path. Furthermore, you can know beyond doubt that God will provide a way for you to overcome, because you will know beyond doubt that you doing his will for you at this time in your life.

Here are a few things that I believe, and that may help you in the decision making process:

1. It is not quitting, but it is noble to sacrifice everything else and "just" be a mom while you have the blessing of being able to do so. I don't think that is a decision you will EVER regret.
2. I believe that a mother's first and foremost role is in her home. . . nurturing her children and supporting her husband. There should be no shame or guilt or regret in making this beautiful sacrifice for your family.
3. Likewise, there is no shame in a mother running a business should she choose to do so. You are NOT less of a mother if you choose to work. That is a decision that is between you, your husband, and God. No other opinion matters.
4. There are circumstances that warrant outside work/projects:

Money. If you are in a situation where you NEED to work to help support your family. . . to subsidize your income, then you should continue working and trust that the Father will provide you the energy and capacity to manage both effectively. He WILL fill in the gaps where you will inevitably lack (you can't do it all perfectly, so you need to KNOW that there WILL be gaps, no matter what you do. . . but that is what the atonement is for, right?). When we are doing as circumstance dictates, with faith and a glad heart, I KNOW that our Father in Heaven will never leave us alone in that. He will multiply our efforts and maximize our effectiveness. I can promise you that. I have seen it time and time again in my own life.
Fulfillment. One of the things we talk about at length at the Breathe Intensive, is the necessity of "filling our wells." As a mother, your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual resources are constantly being depleted. It's part of the job description. If you are not actively pursuing hobbies and/or projects that help you fill your depleted reserve, you will not be as effective in your most sacred of callings: wife and mother. If your work fuels you in a way that allows you to be a better presence in your children and your husband's life, then it is a GOOD thing for you to continue. Does your work enrich you? Does it make you a better, happier, more relaxed and fulfilled individual? Because if it does, it will simultaneously make you a better mother. If however the work is depleting you, causing complete chaos in your life, adding to your stress, and causing you to lose focus on what matters most. . . then it is time to seek out another outlet for yourself, or make dramatic changes to get your business on track—remember, your business is there to serve YOU, not the other way around. (NOTE: This doesn't imply that you aren't there to serve your clients, do your very best work etc, but the PURPOSE of your business is to enrich your life. If that is not the case, then something has to change, or the work is not warranted.)
Inspiration. I firmly believe that there are certain things that we are meant to do. I believe that we are blessed with certain talents, desires, goals, longings, that are inspired by our Father in Heaven. There may be no circumstantial reason for us to pursue certain goals, except for a burning desire, and if that desire comes from the right place, then I think it should be pursued. Again, I know that in the type of situation I am describing, God will fill in the gaps and help us along our way.

5. You will never regret a solitary moment spent with your children. Trust me. I know this better than anyone. The moment they leave your life too soon. . . you learn, beyond doubt, that NOTHING else in life matters. When I was a kid, my mom would say to me, "Nothing in your life will matter to you more than the way your kids turn out." She's right. No matter what decision you make, it should be made with the end in mind of providing the best life you can for your children: physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, because ultimately, nothing matters more.


If you decide to continue with your work, wonderful. If you choose not to, wonderful. Either way, the decision is yours. I KNOW that there are ways to make it work, and balance home and family life, but before we even touch on that, you have to make this initial decision.

This is a decision that cannot be based on anything aside from what is right for YOU and YOUR family. It's not a decision that is made based on whether or not you think you can do it or not. . . this is a decision that must be made based completely on weighing it out in your mind and heart and taking your choice to God for confirmation.

Once you've done that, come back to me and we'll discuss the hows.

All my love to you!

First of all I think you are awesome, so how on earth to you balance your life with 3 kids/church/business? Is your house clean? I feel like I am going a little bit batty with my 3 littles. I try and embrace the chaos but I take 1 step forward then 2back

Oh girl. This seems to be the question of the day! I seem to have at least 3 or 4 similar questions in my box right now!

Be sure to read my most recent response. Another momma had a similar question, and I think that response will be helpful to you as well.

I am 100% certain that I am doing what I'm meant to be doing right now in my life. Because of that certainty, I am also certain that God will make up the difference where I lack. . . and that's me putting a LOT of trust in God, because I lack like crazy! The reason I say this is because it's that certainty that keeps me going and helps me to press forward when things get rough.

I think the one thing I've learned more than anything else over the last 10 years of marriage and motherhood is that life is cyclical. I go through phases where I'm on top of everything! I'm healthy, my house is in order, my kids are thriving, business is well organized and booming. . . and then I loop back to a space of chaos, confusion and frustration. . . my house feels like it's a disaster area, I'm overwhelmed by my gazillion responsibilities and I feel like I'm running around with my head disconnected from the rest of my body. But I've come to realize that that's just life. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I think it's our job as women, the brilliant creatures that we are, to accept that and to hold ourselves to a "standard of grace, not perfection" (as my dear friend Emily Ley says).

The only constant is change, right? Isn't that what someone much smarter than me once said? Rather than trying to fight change and all the chaos that comes along with it, I think the most important thing we can do is remember that this is all NORMAL. We aren't bad or incapable or somehow broken if we go through periods of chaos. . . it's part of living in a fallen world. . . Right? It's part of this test called life! We aren't here to prove that we can hold it all together perfectly all the time, we are here to show that when things do go up in flames, when life does throw us a curve ball, as it inevitably will, we will face those challenges with faith, diligence and yes, even joy.

Keep on keeping on, and remember, life is never as pretty and perfect as it looks on pinterest or people's blogs. :) I don't know where this quote originated, but it's brilliant and TRUE: " "Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s highlight reel." Everyone's in the same chaotic boat. . . or maybe it really is just you and I, either way, I'm glad to have the company. ;)

xxoo!

Last night I was really starting to miss my friendships.

I'm feeling this desire to really connect with my friends, or a friend.

It's somewhat of a foreign feeling for me; kind of a lonely one I'm not used to.

I am usually very content just being by myself, and being with Chad and my own little family.

But I think the relationships I was able to build in Rexburg changed me some.

I always knew that the circumstances we had there that allowed us to become such close friends was really a special, special thing.

Now that season and those circumstances have passed, I guess I'm just beginning to feel even more just how amazing they were.

I know we're where we're supposed to be.

I know there are things about being gone from Rexburg that were the best for us and our kids.

But I miss my friends.

I really do.

I'm just so thankful for how thoughtful and kind and friendly and fun they always were.

I need to try and be more proactive here and reach out and connect with my old friend here too.

It's just definitely more of a challenge to do that here.

But I want to build relationships with them each again.

I think starting Power of Moms here will help with that.

In fact, I'm going to email people right now about it.

Wish me luck: )

Love,

Vandi

p.s. I can't even say how grateful I am for my best friend, Chad.  I'm never really lonely because he really is my greatest friend here on earth.  Him and Heavenly Father and Christ are the best friends I could ever ask for: )

Be With Me in This Moment

Journal Entry: (August 17, 2009)

Please help me understand this

I can't explain it on my own

my heart is full and heavy

my eyes are facing home

Be with me in this moment.

make clear these years of feelings

my heart is open, ready

my searching soul is pleading

I just need some reassurance

or if I'm wrong, some new direction

please guide me safely through this

make meaning of reflection

I just want to do what's right

I just need to know Thy plan

I just need to a glimpse of purpose

I just need to feel Thy hand

So please be with me in this moment

make clear these years of feelings

my heart is open; ready

my searching soul is pleading

I don't need to know it all

Just enough to make it through

Just enough to calm my heart

enough to make it back to You

My heart is Yours, I'm taken

I just want to do Thy will

My heart is Yours, please keep it,

hold it, make it still.

Be with me in this moment.....

It's familiar and warming and somehow surrounds me from the inside out.
It lightens me and as is real to me as the warmth of the sun on my face or the rush of the wind through my hair.
And though I can't see it with my eyes, I can feel it to the depths of me.
It's there and even though I can't exactly explain it, I also cannot explain it away.
Its embrace is physical as well as emotional and spiritual all at once.
Just the smallest portion of it's encompassing feel motivates me, teaches me, changes me.
The way it has lifted me at times has been amazingly literal.
The sacred communion that has taken place within its presence as thoughts and words, ideas and truths have breached merely my mind and reached even through my heart to the core of me has been at times more powerful than I ever thought possible.
The sacred communion that has taken place within its presence has also most times been simple and pure; direct and logical.
The amazing reality of it, this precious gift, hits me when I realize I'm not just talking about someone else's experience, not something I've watched on a movie screen, or read about in a book, article, or on a discussion board, but that it's been me; there and present, feeling and experiencing its simple push as well as its overwhelming power.
To me it is perfectly real.
I cannot deny it.

"The gift of the Holy Spirit adapts itself to all these organs or attributes. It quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, developes, cultivates and matures all the fine toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It developes beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigour, animation and social feeling. It developes and invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, invigorates, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being."
-Parley P. Pratt,

"When you are filled with the spirit of God, . . . that [Spirit] satisfies and fills up every longing of the human heart, and fills up every vacuum. When I am filled with that spirit my soul is satisfied. . . . The Spirit of God will impart instruction to your minds, and you will impart it to each other. . . . Remember that you are Saints of God; and that you have important works to perform in Zion."

-Eliza R Snow, Source: Woman's Exponent, Sept. 15, 1873, 62

I want to run.

But my body won't let me...at least not yet.

"Running is a road to self-awareness and reliance … you can push yourself to extremes and learn the harsh reality of your physical and mental limitations or coast quietly down a solitary path watching the earth spin beneath your feet. But when you are through, exhilarated and exhausted, at least for a moment everything seems right with the world…" (found on a Success Poster: Essence Series)

I miss it.

and these are the things of my soul....

Come Alive Within Me...

Scripture study yesterday.

With one baby in arms and the other only moments into a nap, I decide today will be a 'listen to a talk' scripture study day. Getting onto byubroadcasting.org I type 'Scott Anderson' somewhat randomly into the search. He presented a talk at a fireside I attended in high school and the message he spoke that day hit me in a strong way, so I decide to just give his name a shot. There he was with seven different talk titles to choose from. "This Life is the Time" caught my eye and clicking on it I began.

And for the next 60 minutes I was reached and reminded; and I loved it.

"Can I teach you a process wherefore you can mine the diamonds of the gospel?"

"It is easy for us to have the gospel and not know how to mine the truth and make it real...make it come alive for us..."

"The mining of the gospel is an internal thing and it has to be done by every individual by themselves, with the blessing of the Spirit, someone else can't do this for you, your parents can't do this for you, this is adult spirituality. This is where you get out of the just going through the motions and work on it yourself and all of a sudden you find the purpose and see it more the way the Savior sees it....this is the adventure spiritually."

"When my heart changed, I saw everything differently."

My journal entry afterward.

"I am so excited about this talk and the things I have learned from it, and getting excited about something is one of the ways I feel the Spirit the most. I'm excited to share it with Chad, to study it out, and make it part of my life. I want to start taking the commandments and principles of the gospel and making them truly mine, making them come alive within me, getting the joy and excitement out of them that they are meant to give. I look back and know there are a lot of things in the gospel that truly have become my own and have filled me with joy indescribable and excitement unexplainable through certain experiences and journeys. I'm just grateful for the reminder of what the gospel is intended to be for me and I'm excited to continue with the process. I'm excited for what joy and depth may come. I love this gospel and this truth. It reaches the core of me and fills my heart to overflowing with love and peace and joy. I want to take it in even more. I want it to come even more alive within me. I want to share it more deeply. I love this life. I love my Heavenly Father and Savior. Isn't it all so amazing?
love,
vandi"


and these are the things of my soul...

It's a small five by eight paper back book, now tattered and worn some from days of being carried around amongst books, binders, and the occasional pair of gym shoes in a school back pack. The picture on the front, gray scale and faded, is of the Savior; gentle, kind. It's pages, once blank, white and crisp, waiting to be filled are now full to overflowing with thoughts, sayings, lessons learned, experiences passed, promptings felt; all of them mine. And I love this book. I love it and smile as I leaf through the pages and remember all that I felt, heard, saw, took in, learned, and let out.

It was given to me my first year away at college. My religion teacher passed the books out to us, one by one, explaining that the thoughts and feelings and convictions and words bouncing around within us now had a place to be recorded and declared, cherished and kept.

Taking the paper book in my hands, I read the words to myself written across the top in black, "The Things Of My Soul". It stuck with me. And that's what this little book became, a place where the pieces of my soul at that time met paper.

Lately, the little book has been on my mind. The other day I pulled it out from the old shoe box in my closet. And after spending a good portion of the night turning it's pages and nostalgically remembering and feeling the experiences of that time, the idea for this blog started stirring within me.

So that's why I'm here, to make this a place where some of the pieces of my soul meet "paper". It's mostly for me, and for my Chad and my girls. But it's also for this part of me that longs to share all of the magic and mystery and amazement with life that I often feel. Sometimes the reality that this here and now is my one chance at life really hits me and I long to live and love and feel and experience it with all that I am. I really want to look back on this one incredible life experience and know that my life was my message, that it meant something, and not just for me but for those around me. I want somehow for people to be able to come to know their Savior, His light and love, a little better, because they have known me.

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." -Ashley Smith

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

So here it is.

These are the things of my soul.....